How to Help a Loved One Struggling With Mental Health Concerns

This is a question that comes up a lot. The first thing to point out is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. There are many different mental health conditions that affect us and the presentation of those conditions can often vary person to person. Couple that with how different everyone and their needs are in general and you get a lot of different answers for what support does and doesn’t look like. Acknowledging these differences doesn’t mean there’s no hope in helping. It can guide us in providing support while keeping that uniqueness in mind. First a disclaimer, examples here are shown in quotes but that does not mean they are the right way to answer. Use your own genuine words, quotations just fit the writing style. With that out of the way, here’s some general tips for support.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Making assumptions about someone’s mental health is easier to fall into than it sounds. The fact that we are worrying about their mental health means we may already be making assumptions. Perhaps what we’re seeing is the result of not sleeping well, an underlying health condition, them worrying about someone else, or any number of other explanations. Even with someone we know well, like a spouse, may be experiencing something different from our interpretation. It’s well meaning, but if we lead with an assumption like “I can tell your anxiety is bugging you again”, it can feel invalidating. Even if we’re right, people tend not to respond well to being told how they feel. Keeping this awareness as you talk to them helps the conversation to feel collaborative and curious.

Ask Open Questions With Curiosity

Asking open ended questions can help someone open up by providing an invitation. Rather than yes or no questions like “are you okay?”, try something that leaves room for a descriptive response like “a lot has happened over the last few weeks, what are your thoughts on it?” Or, “How has it affected you?” It can help to share a little ourselves first to show we’re open to an honest conversation, “I’ve really been feeling x, y, or z lately, how have you been?”

The curiosity piece mentioned above is important to maintain. If it feels like we’re just asking out of obligation or looking for a “right” answer, the other person can usually sense it and shut down. Approach the conversation openly and without judgement to create a safe space. Also, be prepared for strong emotions. Our goal is to listen and empathize, not necessarily trying to fix the emotions or situation (unless asked, of course).

Be Open to Hearing That Nothing’s Wrong

If they answer that they don’t want to talk about it, or nothing’s wrong (even if you’re sure it is) that’s okay. They may not be in a space where they are able to talk about it, or perhaps it isn’t anything that concerns them, maybe they haven’t even noticed yet. If we push too hard it can feel invalidating. Instead, you can share specifics that have you concerned like, “I just noticed you haven’t been reading and I know you love reading.” But this isn’t necessary and still may result in the same response that nothing is wrong. To show support, respect their answer that nothing’s wrong. If you would like to be there for them in the future, share that. Something simple like, “Glad to hear you’re okay, I’m always here if you want to talk.” If it’s someone close who has had a lot of struggles you can even add, “Would it be okay if I keep checking in on you? Good or bad, I just like to know how you’re doing.”

Supporting someone who is having a hard time can be hard, especially when they aren’t as open to sharing, or may want to share without fixing things. If this is the case, just know that sometimes not intervening is the support they need. If you are unsure of what works best for your loved one, you can ask them. Even if they’re doing well right now, hearing from them how to support them prepares us better and helps them to know the support is genuine and meant for them.